Reports Indicate Cash, Beef Now Obsolete

In a series of stunning reports, it was claimed by various news agencies today, that cash had become obsolete in the wee hours of Thursday. 
The last note of paper money was, in fact, turned into digital currency by one Mr. Kodanda Ramaiah, who found a 2000 rupee note in his bosses underwear and promptly deposited it in his bank account, thus scoring a great victory for Digital India, UPI, Aadhar Card Program, and other unrelated schemes promoted by the present government. 
Said Mr. Kodanda Ramaiah: "It is a great honour for me to be the symbolic torch-bearer of PM Modi's vision. A few years back would anyone have believed that a humble chai-wallah like myself would be the one who does away with cash once and for all, reaching into dirty underwears to find 2000 rupee notes? First of all, those notes are so beautiful." 
Other contradictory reports indicated that cash was in fact not obsolete but rather was abundant and easily available. Responding to this, government spokesperson and Law Minister Ravi Shankar Prasad said, "These are lies. Do not believe your eyes. Do not believe anything that contradicts what we say. Anyone found with cash will be imprisoned." 
A few minutes into the press conference Mr. Prasad suddenly claimed to not even know what cash is. "Cash? What's cash? Cash doesn't even exist. It is obsolete, it is absolutely obsolete and anyone who says cash exists is anti-national," he screamed. Others politely applauded. 
PM Modi, who the press was told is 'too brave and bold' to hold press conferences (the risk of him reducing everyone to tears of fear was too great to take), took to Twitter Thursday night, saying, "Congrats to Kodanda Ramaiah. He is great Indian. No cash now. No beef next!"
The tweet was sent out at 8:12 p.m. At exactly 8:17, certain news channels reported that beef was now obsolete. 
The last steak was in fact burnt to smithereens by a group of hooligans in Austria who decided to burn the man eating the steak too. 
Said the ghost of Mr. Wolfgang Strüker, "I am proud to be the one who was involved in destroying the last piece of cow meat in the world. It is a great moment for PM Modi who promised that no cows will ever die."
But some contradictory reports emerged stating the presence of many steaks of beef world over. 
Responding once again, Mr. Ravi Shankar Prasad, said, "No such thing exists. In fact in Vedic times cows could speak pure Sanskrit and were expert chawanprash makers. They were also spaceship pilots which as you all know were abundant in Vedic times. So abundant you could literally take a lift on a space craft from Ayodhya to Sri Lanka at no cost. These days liberals and leftists have made cows shut-up. It is a sad time for us. Beef? What is that? Cows are immortal. Have you seen how they stand on roads? Only immortals have no fear of traffic. The government is starting a new scheme called Vedic WiFi which works only if you chant certain Vedic verses. Healthcare will be digitized in two years."


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