This article is part of The Sapota's invaluable and critically acclaimed series 'Guides' written to help young and old alike to navigate the treacherous and often confusing landscape of modern life.
This week, our resident unsolicited advice giver Guide Uncle turns his keen attention on the subject of traveling.
As you know traveling makes you great because it has been said so by many people. 'The more you travel the happier you will be' is an incontrovertible fact. In fact there is a theorem called 'The Traveler's Co-efficient' that states: With every 10 km increase in travel distance, a human being's sadness will reduce by an absolutely whole number such as 3 or 4 depending on
location of travel and number of Instagram posts created subsequently.'
The second part of the theorem states:
'Coolness, as indicated by the definition of Ram and Shyam (Cool, Not Cool, 1973), as being 'The net amount of casual conversation one can successfully emit in a social occasion' increases dramatically with number of km travelled. But this occurs in a non-linear manner and is sometimes known to work the other way. Of course this depends on if you have a Facebook account.'
As you can see, traveling is recommended by almost everybody as a great way to be satisfied with your miserable existence. You can see things and at the same time be cool by eating a large variety of food items. Hence I have decided to explain how best to travel: how to prepare, what to do while traveling to most efficiently make everyone else feel like shit, and most importantly how to convincingly tell people that you had an incredible time even though you didn't and would rather have laid in bed for a week and watch shows on Netflix (but this as you know would not show up on your passport). Let's begin okay?
1. Pack for the trip you want to have not the trip you're actually going on:
This is an important but tricky one. If say you're going to Pune but you want to go to Egypt, throw in a pair of stuffed camels - trust me it'll help with the photographs later on.
If you're travelling to London but would rather come home to your family in Chitradurga, make sure you carry lots of Vicodin so you can appear thrilled in your Instagram photos and write that you 'feel blessed'.
2. Always keep in mind that the very fact that you're travelling makes you a superior being:
See, you're going to Jamaica. This makes you better than anyone who hasn't been to Jamaica ok? So relax and be secure in the fact that everyone else knows that you're way cooler because you've been to Jamaica.
3. Everywhere is beautiful and a lovely experience:
This is very important: every breathing second of your existence in any place that is Instagram or Facebook worthy is an immeasurable and unparalleled experience that touches your very soul, understand? There is no fuzz on this. Be sure to include the following terms in your fascinating posts: 'Amazing people', 'amazing food', 'peaceful place', 'rain-kissed', 'life-changing experience' and most importantly 'blessed.' There is no travel unworthy of traveling because the very concept of travel is superior to the specifics of the travel.
4. If someone stabs you don't talk about it.
5. Once your travel ends, make sure everyone knows about it:
As you know, you cannot travel or enjoy travel in a vacuum. Your happiness depends on the deeply spiritual experience of traveling and also how many likes you get on Instagram or Facebook. What is the point of going to Chile if you also can't tell everyone and their cousin about how incredible you are that you've been to Chile? Did you go to Chile or did Chile come and beg you to come there? Why is your face all over the landscape? Share your happiness with everyone and know that there is no happiness without other people.
6. Selfie time!
Lol, did you think I was going to leave out the mighty selfie? Among all of man's inventions surely this is the greatest. It allows you to plaster your face on the pyramids of Giza, to display your grinning mug on the slops of the Himalayas. The scenery is meaningless unless superimposed by your goofy face to show what a good time you were having! Part 3 of the Traveler's Co-efficient states: 'The sum total of a holiday's success is directly proportionate to the number of selfies taken during said travel multiplied by number of likes on social media.'
Why would you even consider that your friends want to see where you went and not your dumb face? That is an absurd and unscientific belief.
7. Lastly, have a great time because otherwise nobody wants to hear about it alright? And since you always want to talk about it regardless of whether people want to hear about it, make sure you had a good time even if you didn't.