Muslim women everywhere celebrated today as the Supreme Court did away with the oppressive and misogynistic 'Triple Talaq' system and replaced it with the modern, feminist and women empowering 'Triple Hundred Talaq'. Now men will have to utter the word 'Talaq' three hundred raised to the power of three times. This comes to a total of 27000000 times a man will have to utter or type (or copy and paste) the word 'Talaq' to divorce his wife.
Feminists all over the country saw this as a great victory for women. 'Now as the Supreme Court has increased the number of times a man has to say 'Talaq' by 26999997 times, we feel this makes it much more difficult for men to divorce their wives. Now they have to spend a significant amount of time saying the word, which is difficult and time-consuming and they would rather just use those resources to marry more women instead of divorcing the one they already possess,' said Khoobsurat Mujni, spokesperson for the 'Feminists for Islam' group.
When asked why not do away with the system all together Ms. Khoobsurat went into a flying rage and accused the gathered journalists of being Islamophobic. 'Do you not know that Islam is a bastion of women empowerment. Prophet Mohammad, peace be upon him, was basically a female, he loved women so much. Well not really. Obviously he was a man. He was definitely a man. Just ignore what I said. But the point is he respected women. So how can we just erase parts of our religion, and our culture just because it clashes with modernity? What we have to do is update our religious and cultural practices with hollow and meaningless gestures that pacify the moderates while the extremists make merry with the most violent, misogynistic and bigoted parts of our religious texts. It's simple really!'
Earlier in the day the case drew to a dramatic end when Supreme Court lawyers and representatives of the All India Muslim Personal Law Board argued over the exact number of times the word Talaq should be uttered for a man to divorce his wife. At one point the Chief Justice was said to have shouted, 'This is a country of laws and the court must uphold the values of the Constitution,' to which there was widespread amused laughter.
Representatives of the government, embarrassed by the outlawing of sati many years ago and keen to take revenge by banning the practice of 'Triple Talaq' argued that if Triple Talaq became Triple Hundred Talaq then they will fight for the practice of partial sati in which women follow their husbands into the funeral pyre but only for 15 seconds and wearing full fire resistant garb except for the left leg which is exposed and hence burnt beyond recognition.
The Chief Justice reportedly then tried to argue, but his earlier comment about India being a country of laws hadn't lost its humourous effect and the court once against burst into amused laughter; the kind of laughter one emits when a young cousin says he wants marry his six year old classmate and that she is the love of his life.
Finally, the lawyers for the government and the AIMPLB made a joint statement: "We are Indians and respect the laws of the land except when we feel like it. Generally, we do what we want because we're religious and religions have a free pass or else we'll get really angry and kill people! Suck on that intellectuals! Regards."