Trump Makes the World a Better Place

We finally have a near universal standard for judging the character of human beings - Donald Trump. 
Just a year ago, this was a tedious and time consuming effort. Now, all you have to do is ask them for their opinions on the Donald. The answer to this question will tell you everything you need to know about a person. 
Donald Trump has made life easy. If in business, your process of eliminating partners has never been easier - Do they support Donald Trump? If so, terminate all ties with said person before he burns your house down. 
In your personal life, on your first date - Does he/she support Donald Trump? If so, surgically remove yourself from her/his physical and virtual circle, and never go back. 
To understand how Donald Trump has inadvertently contributed immensely to the cause of reason and humanity, let's look at a hypothetical situation, first in a pre-Donald Trump for President world, and then the same situation now, in the month of August of the year 2016. 

Hypothetical Situation 1
You meet a girl at a party. She's hot. You're a bit drunk and are currently brave enough to ask her on a date, which you do, and she too being a little drunk, agrees readily (to the great confusion of your brain). 
You meet her the next day at a newly opened pub. There is some awkward silence at first. Then you begin talking about each other - your interests, your loves and hates, future plans and dreams, past transgressions and regrets. You show off a little about your new car. She shows off a little about her travels in Europe. It's all going pretty well, and the booze is flowing. You have a good feeling about what will happen next. You begin to dream. Then the waiter comes to take the last order and your pretty and smart date calls him a useless idiot and says to you when he leaves ashamed and bewildered that lowly waiters and other poor people have lower capacity brains and are generally dirty, untrustworthy, and carry dangerous diseases. 
Obviously you then fake a debilitating stomach upset (going so far as to collapse on the floor and sing a song about pineapples) and tell her you need to go home or you'll shit all over the table. 
You part and go your separate ways and you are so relieved that you smoke your first cigarette in a year and thank the gods that she let slip her heartfelt opinions on the working class. 


Hypothetical Situation 2
It is the year 2016. You are at a party when you see an attractive female. You're a bit drunk and are currently brave enough to ask her on a date. But a little warning bell rings in your mind (the part that still works). And then you remember that it's 2016 and Donald Trump is running for President of the USA. The test is simple: You walk up to the girl who is twirling her hair deliciously and simply utter the word 'Trump?' in a questioning sort of way. The girl vomits. Now you know everything you need to know about her. You clean up the vomit and ask her on a date. 
 

Donald Trump's achievements in the field of reducing the list of questions to slip in to your dates in order to gain an accurate picture of their characters is unprecedented. 
Before his orange face appeared on the public stage, you were stuck with numerous and at times irrelevant research points such as: 
1. Do they think Breaking Bad is the greatest TV show ever made? 
2. Do they think the 9/11 was a Zionist/FBI conspiracy? 
3. Are they vegans? 
4. Which modem to they use for their internet connection? Is it a fibre connection or DSL?
5. Who invented the half squat jump? 
And many others. One can see why this is untrustworthy and inefficient. First, there may be contradictions. For example, you may meet a vegan who thinks the Wire is the greatest show ever made. What then do you do? Do you marry this person because of their impeccable taste in television? But what about dairy? 
Or, you perhaps bump into a guy who thinks Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is the greatest book ever written. But he also happens to be a lawyer who defends and rehabilitates abused children pro bono. 
With the rise of Donald Trump these moral and ethical conundrums are a thing of the past. The world is certainly a far less complicated place with people like him around. 



 

Report: Local Man Wants It Easy

A Pleasant, Politically Correct Piece of Writing