In this series of articles, The Sapota's Chief Guide Writer, Guide Uncle, takes a look at the common problems that people face. This week he examines the eternal challenge of good parenting.
How to be a Good Parent (and Ensure a Prosperous Future for your Little Angels)
These days one not only wants to be a good parent, one actually tries to be a good parent. We are lucky to be living in these glorious times when not beating a child is not frowned upon. But what other tricks and techniques can one use to ensure that your kids have a wonderful future? Read on to find out.
1. Never teach your kids how to think. Concentrate on the what: Some people say, 'Teach them how to think, not what to think.' This is a misconception akin to assuming that kids who watch uncensored films don't turn into raving, raping psychopaths. They do. Teaching kids how to think opens up their minds to countless complicated thoughts and questions that you can could never even begin to answer, because your parents did the right thing and always only stuffed your brain with their beliefs and opinions, which were obviously the right ones. Questions aren't meant to be asked; they're only meant to be asked by others who deal with things like questions. You're just a simple upper class family trying to navigate this treacherous and increasingly hot world - you have no time for these intellectual things.
If your kids begin to ask questions you might on day find that they've gone and become scientists or artists, expressing themselves, digging out the truth, offending people. This is unacceptable obviously. Better to just pass on your trusted family code of ethics and truth to your little bundles of joy and let them do exactly what you did. Trust us, it always works.
2. Give them a religion the moment they pop out: Non-religious people are a huge problem. The dangers of not giving your children a religion is a seldom examined one. What happens? They spend their entire childhood unfamiliar with the extremely humble and healthy practice of spending hours in temples, mosques or churches, where you can get in touch with the Supreme Creator of the Universe and ask him for personal favours such as, 'God, please protect me tomorrow on my way back home in a cab because it will be 1 a.m and I'll be drunk,' or 'Allah, please don't let my parents die. They were good parents and made sure I pray to you five times a day.' Instead these godless devil-children will frolic in the garden examining little creatures and plants, prostituting themselves to curiosity and knowledge, and worse, asking, 'Amma, if God is all-powerful and all-benevolent, why do babies get bashed against walls?' The nerve. So be prepared ladies: Have a priest or a rabbi or a mullah crouch by your vagina (don't worry, they are God's reps and are pure and chaste) and do what is necessary when your baby pops out: snip away to glory or dress them in saffron, either way, rest assured that you have done what you can to protect them from the evils of freethinking.
3. Always act according to what people may think: Not bothering about what your neighbours and distant relatives think is anarchy and nihilism. Raising your kids in accordance with the knowledgeable and rational opinions of that one aunt who thinks the ghost of her dead maid is following her around because she screamed at her once, is a great way to ensure your kid has a fantastically mainstream and successful life. Always ask yourself, 'What will Mr. Sharma think?' and proceed from there when you mould your daughters career path and personal relationships. If you do this, there is a 100 percent guarantee, that your kids will be rich and happy their entire lives, because as everyone knows, Mr. Sharma is certainly rich and happy and has a Mercedes.
4. Sexuality is off-limits: Talking to your kids about sexuality is a disaster. It will make them rapists because it is well known that just the mere mention of the word 'sex' can destroy you children's future. One day you're saying 'sex' and the next day they're having orgies with lepers, using condoms, raping furniture, watching evil porn, masturbating. Instead never mention sex, never let them near any kind of material that might give them a clue about what sex is, and make sure they don't say more than 3 words to members of the opposite sex. This way you can ensure that they never have sex before marriage, never smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol, never do drugs and never congregate on a road after 1130 pm. A good child will become a good adult. If the child displays unusual sexuality, if you find a porn magazine, say, under his mattress, block his door with piles of engineering and medical text books. The only way he can come out is to read all of them and then join a coaching centre for IIT. Before you know it, the child will loose all sexual urges and turn into a good and honest adult who will never cheat on his wife and will never watch porn.
These are just some tips to ensure your kids have a bright and healthy future. They are time-tested and have been proven to work. Happy parenting!