The Sapota's Guide to Saving Money

In this series of guides The Sapota's chief guide writer Guide Uncle takes a look at common problems that people face. This week he examines the nightmarish human project of saving money. 

How to Save Money

In today's fast paced, food and drink centric life, saving money is almost as important as spending it. Here we take a look at ways in which you, noble working person, can save money, and at the same time appear to have lots of it. 

Step one: Always offer to pay for your poorer unemployed friend.
There is always someone who is unemployed. By finding this person and adding him or her to your friends circle is an important first step to saving money, yet appearing as-if you don't need to save money. In a typical scenario the unemployed person will attempt to pay for himself but must be prevented from doing. After about 7 to 8 seconds of jovial argument, by all means, allow him to do so, but with reluctance, and, preferably carry on the drama when the waiter arrives. Even the waiter must know that you have enough money to cover everyone's tab. If he smiles, consider this a success. Congratulations! You just saved the money you would have spent paying for all your useless, unemployed friends. 

Step two: Always buy the more expensive thing. 
Counterintuitively, buying the more expensive thing will help you save money. How? Say you buy one pair of shoes for 6000 rupees. Now say you buy 3 pairs for 18000 rupees. Buying one expensive thing is obviously cheaper than buying 3! Look at all the shoes you could have bought and didn't! But instead you buy the cheaper pair for 250 rupees. It's so cheap! So you buy 312 more pairs. You do the math. Congratulations! You just saved yourself some amount of money but don't worry nobody is going to look at you funny when you go to Humming Tree tonight. 

Step three: Spend like crazy on the weekends.
Spending a bomb on the weekends on overpriced booze and food seems like a waste but it's really not. Think about this truth bomb. You go to Monkey Bar on a Saturday night. You spend 5000 rupees on some watery cocktails and fancy sounding food. Aim? You get so drunk and full that you can't eat or drink anything for the next 3 days. That's already half the week gone. You've saved on essential nutrients and hydration that you would otherwise have consumed if it hadn't been for that smart bit of financial planning. Moreover, by going out on the weekends you get things that money can't buy like making eye contact with random drunk strangers and feeling good about yourself. Pub hopping is also a great way to get bang for your buck because you'll seem much cooler than people who just stay in one place all night, and coolness is priceless, that's why you wear that hat. 

Step four: Work Hard, Play Hard
Working hard, as everyone knows is essential to everything. By working hard you become rich and successful. Just ask the garbage men. But it's a little known fact that working hard AND playing hard helps you save money. Let's examine how. The trick is to work so hard that you stop thinking about what you're working on. This way, you save the trouble and money of actually having difficult and confusing thoughts about life. It is a very efficient way of making and saving loads and loads of money. No annoying interruptions of self-doubting questions about your ability, talent, about what the hell is happening in your life. Just keep your head down and work, work, work. Watch the magic at the end of the week. Similarly playing hard keeps your body nimble and agile and running away from muggers becomes a lot easier. Last month, people saved approximately 76000 rupees escaping fat, sluggish muggers. If they hadn't played hard, they would have lost all that ultra hard-earned money. 

Step five: Find a passion
Lastly, to save money and live a prosperous and joyful life you must find a passion and do what you love. But don't passions and hobbies create a large dent in your wallet? This is a common misconception. Imagine your passion is gently stroking trees. You go to the park and get to work on a splendid gulmohar. When you're done it's been three hours and you've saved raw cash that you would have otherwise spent on food and water. What about walking backwards? Or staring at people in busses? Or hovering around a dried up water body? Don't worry. Any passion you have is potentially lucrative and is the secret to a happy and prosperous life. 

We hope you enjoyed this extremely useful and serious guide to saving money. Next week read about parenting and how to raise your children to be rich and successful. 

The Sapota's Guide to Good Parenting

Man: 'Everyone else wrong. Me right'