The Suicide Lecturer

The suicide lecturer is a strange creature that lingers on the fringes of all social gatherings. He has a square face, and a voice like a sheep with no bank account. He wears clothes but only when he has a bone to pick (legend has it that he picks them clean). When a song begins the suicide lecturer moves from person to person explaining the pitfalls of Capitalism. There, he unrolls a map of the World and tap dances on China. It is said that if you wear a white shirt, the suicide lecturer will approach you first, but will treat you differently, much like a worm treats the first bird. He is qualified in personal law and can wax eloquent about the dangers of breathing, and will recommend that you stop it this instant. He is also tall, but not like the tails of macaques. When the moon is full the suicide lecturer moonlights as a dhobi's assistant, because, it is said, he enjoys the feeling of not being in charge. For two days a year, his left ear resembles a tortilla. For the rest of the 363 days, he doesn't feel very well and is constantly coughing to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody. What motivates the suicide lecturer? It is said that when he was born his father juggled a football for the first time in his life, and his mother, upset with her manicure, sang the national anthem of France, in a shrill and vindictive voice. When he was ten, the suicide lecturer swallowed a small book on the nutrition facts of pencils and from that day on, readily blurts out opinions on the end of vegetable farming as we know it. If you are to ever talk to the suicide lecturer make sure you use the sound 'oot' regularly or it is said he will develop a large boil on his left eye that will start to hold meetings with the local labour unions. If you ever see him in an autorikshaw, ignore the rainbow coloured fan on his left elbow: this will ensure your company doesn't suddenly start manufacturing tiny soaps. There is little research on the music tastes of the suicide lecturer. Some sources speak of his love for songs regarding mortgages and rent. Some scholars are convinced he cannot hear musical notes and merely pretends to like David Bowie. Either way, it is suggested that you buy a cabinet for you shoes to avoid the smell. 
If the suicide lecturer finds a balloon on the street the balloon mysteriously disappears. Later, the balloon reappears knowing things about Breaking Bad that a balloon can't possibly know. 
There is only one recorded interview with the suicide lecturer that took place on a farm in Ireland. 

Farmer: Can you fry a porcupine?

Suicide Lecturer: Yes, but if you do I'll have to call my cousin who's a dingbat with coffee-breath.

 Many interpretations of this strange exchange are available, but none exist. For other facts and interesting titbits of the suicide lecturer, rotate your left hand at 45 rpm and blow at a cat at the same time. If done properly, a fat owl will drop a link on your head. 

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