In an astonishing and unexpected statement today, Mother India, or Bharat Mata, expressed confusion and sadness at the recent events in JNU. 'On Friday I was informed that some JNU students raised anti-me slogans on their campus and protested the hanging of Afzal Guru. I was immediately intrigued and wanted to see if I could help in any way. I am a mother after all, and mothers always listen to their children (even when they shout things I don't like). To my horror and confusion, the people who are currently living in my head, who claim to look after my interests, who claim to be my representatives, arrested one of these students. Others said that police randomly entered rooms and questioned people, creating an atmosphere of terror and turmoil. I must admit that I am thoroughly confused by these actions. What did the students do? They committed nor incited any violence. All they said, allegedly, was 'Pakistan Zindabad'. Now, I have spoken to my colleague Ammi Pakistan, and she was as confused as I was. We are sisters after all, separated at birth, yet living close to each other even now. Yes, her children have gone a bit cuckoo crazy off late, and the argument can be made that the conditions of her birth were bound to produce a schizophrenic and turmoiled adult, yet, I cannot help but wonder how just saying the words 'Pakistan Zindabad' are worthy of jail. Now, like Ammi Pakistan, I seem to have gone stupid in the head and worse, become fat around the middle, and this middle class fat is feeding that stupid head and vice versa. It is a terrible situation. As far as I am concerned, the only seditious thing I can detect in all this, is the behaviour of these people in my head, who have mercilessly clamped down on dissent and the right to free expression, creating fear in a place of learning. Dear Smriti Irani, I can handle insults and criticism - I don't need to stifle voices that I don't like, because I am secure in the idea of myself, the idea of India. Also, you do realize that you cannot speak on my behalf right? I have billions of children. Dear Rajnath Singh, get your leathery head our of your arse and realize that every time someone is arrested for shouting it threatens India's integrity more than the shouting itself, whatever may be said. Dear children, if there is one thing that all who live in me have to agree on it is freedom of expression. It is by this and only this that I can grow and mature into a civilized and happy country, not by forcing views on others, and punishing them when they disobey. On a side note, I have been informed of an insect by the name of Arnab Goswamy that lives somewhere very close to my head, feeding off this power in my head, a self-appointed upholder of national values. Well, I want to take this opportunity to disown that mixture of drainage and puss, that humanoid tumour, that belligerent noxious pimple, that deluded anti-reason orifice, that lying, demagogic, narcissistic, desperate, half-witted and ultimately boring clown. If you happen to see him anywhere on the street, please, convey this message to him. And lastly, remember, a democratically elected government doesn't get to tell you what and what not to say (leave that to the dictatorships): it completely depends on your thoughts. So don't be afraid to think and if need be, shout. Yours truly, Mom.'