In the summer of 2016, a rare meeting occurred in an unknown location, at an unknown time. In fact, most aspects of this meeting remain unknown: but what we do know is that the meeting occurred between two people: the first, the Prime Minister of Mother India, Narendra Modi; the second, the man who made mother India cover her crotch and run out of the room, Donald J. Trump. The Sapota was allowed rare access to this rare meeting of rare minds. The following is a semi-accurate account of what occurred that day.
It's 12:03 p.m. on a Saturday afternoon, March 12th, 2016 (dates made-up to provide authenticity). The room buzzes with anticipation and bees, but mostly bees. They fly around trying to look tough, but they're a big bunch of softies, those bees. The two participants walk into the room one after the other: PM Modi is wearing a traditional Indian outfit, covered in typical narcissistic symbolism; Donald J. Trump, presidential nominee of the United States of America, walks in behind Mr. Modi, wearing his usual suit and tie, his face like a pumpkin left on the surface of mars for three decades, his mouth a puckered asshole made from the puckered asshole of every asshole in the world. He smiles and gives a thumbs up to everyone in the room, then to Mr. Modi who is now sitting down. Mr. Trump too sits down.
Trump: Thank me, thank me for coming Mr. Modi, thank me. Great, great man. Smart man. China is your neighbour, I mean - by the way, China is killing us - India, a great country, tremendous, people love me there. We will make America - by the way - I mean look at this guy, he's so tremendous and smart, law and order, deals, the whole package you know, 10 on 10, I say to you, we will make america great again, Mr. Modi.
Modi: Mr. Trump, thank you. I am Narendra Modi. I am from Gujarat. You and I are very same. We are both grown from nothing to powerful men. I was a mere tea seller, and you, a mere everything you have now minus everything you have now plus a million dollars from your father. We are both humble and modest human beings. We are both men of work and dedication. May the force be with you Mr. Trump. I like businessmen.
Trump: Great, great businessman. I will get the deals done - by the way, I wrote a book, bestseller, art of the deal - will get the deals, the best deals, tremendous deals. I will make the best deal in the history of deals, the greatest most tremendous deal, law and order, China.
Modi: If you please Mr. Trump, I am a business friendly Prime Minister. What deal are you making? Please come to Gujarat and make this said deal which you have above mentioned.
Trump: Wrong. Wroooong Mr. Modi. No, not Gujarat, not Gujarat, you're the Gujarat. You're the Gujarat. I am - by the way, Crooked Hillary - I am the best candidate, by far, by far the most tremendous candidate. The media is rigged, the media is rigged, the media is rigged, the media is rigged. I will fix the media, I will fix the media, I will fix it so good - it's so bad, by the way, so bad - you won't even believe, you would not believe the things I say in private.
Modi: Trumpji, what did you say? What do you say in private? I also say very much bad things in private but lack of evidence and things, you know how it goes.
Trump: I have great respect for women Naren, great respect, I mean nobody has greater, better or more tremendous respect for women. I respect them so much I want to be in touch with them all the time, you know all the time - by the way, Iran, look what they're doing to us - respect, really respect the women, I mean, I've had three tremendous wives, I mean, come on. Do you think I would have three wives if I didn't respect women, come on. Those towel heads in Saudi, you think they don't like women, give me a break.
Modi: Saudi Arabia is not respect women Mr. Donaldji. It is a land of Wahhabi Islam. I respect women also lots, we must remove triple talaaq I say. I have so many respect for women I even have a wife, who I abandoned in respect of her sentiments and mental health.
Trump: I will move on her like a bitch, I tell you, tremendous woman, great woman, with those fake tits and everything.
Modi: Fake teats? No Mr. Donaldji Trumpbhai. My wife is very good and moral woman.
Trump: Listen, listen Modi, I take that back - by the way the only thing I have taken back - women without tits, I mean come on, amirite? I mean seriously, what do they even do, I mean I would never hire a woman without tits - by the way - never, she would never be my first choice, you guys know that. Thank me, thank me. China, Mexico.
Modi: Mr. Trump, I will not make the vulgar comments about women, they are our daughters and mothers, and sisters, and the ones who aren't mothers and daughters and sisters can go fuck themselves.
Trump: Hey, look you're lecturing to the squire here. Independent women, I mean, come on, come on, I mean come on, not very smart, not very smart - by the way, I mean Mexico, they're beating us at our own game, own game, beating, my own game of beating off to pictures of Putin, they're tremendous, they're great countries, I mean Russia, great country.
Modi: Yes, recently I have met with Mr. Putinji, and he is tell me that he needs to replace one of the strings, the one that connects to your mouth, because even he can't handle some of the things you're saying. Then we went for a swim to the beach and smoked a doobie. Ahh, Putinbhai, such a good man. The roads are so great in Gujarat.
Trump: Roads, Putin, horse, beach, Crooked Hillary is ill, and she's dying folks, dying, let me tell you - by the way, death, death can't touch me, that's why I'm this orange, it's to keep away death - by the way - by the way - Putin, look, I don't know Putin, never actually seen his face when I gave him blowjobs and what's that, what's that, that's not a personal relationship, braggadocios yes maybe, Iran, China, but not a relationship, I have never seen him.
Modi: Yes sir, you are correct. The media is very unfair. They cannot understand that lack of evidence means evidence of lack of evidence and those things never happened. I am a strong leader and my chest is big.
Trump: Chest, what the hell? I mean tits, that's another thing altogether, tits they're the greatest
Modi: Sir, I have another guest. He is coming from my personal fantasy land called Times Now channel. Please meet Mr. Arnab Goswami.
The great Arnab Goswami enters, in tow, his large ego, that keeps getting in everyone's way. Finally, he settles on a chair, and his ego settles on 16 chairs.
Arnab: Mr. Trump, please, don't interrupt me, no, no, don't interrupt. The nation wants to know: how do you intend to exert some kind of grip on the pussy? The nation wants to know, if you grab a woman's pussy, where is the grip? I will ask these uncomfortable questions , and I will shout and shout and my voice will become higher and higher, like i'm doing now, literally screaming at you, where is the necessary grip? Is there a grip Mr. Trump? Is there? The nation wants to know and I am a great journalist asking important questions. Please answer the question, please. Modiji, nice shirt by the way I love you.
Trump: Grip? Grip? Come on. Not very smart, very smart, not at all smart, quite smart, I tell you - by the way - I tell you this man. Great man, he is a great man who will make journalism great again, tremendous. So great, you would not believe. The failing new york times, WaPo, failing, low energy journalists, I don't even know them, never met them, rigged folks. This man, right here, thank me, thank me, he will make journalism safe again, he will make journalism strong again - the best deals by the way China - he will make America great again, I mean me, I will make America...
Arnab: We have our answer. We have our answer. Mr. Trump, you are the only good politician because you are not a politician. It's simple. At Times Now we do not like politicians, only the ones who like us. And Mr. Trump, if you were in India, we would work non-stop to make you like us so we can like you back. India wants to know, can we ever have a PM as great as Mr. Trump?
Modi: Arre bhai, wtf?
Arnab: Modiji, don't pay any attention sir. I'll come over tonight. This is only for the show. This is show-biz.
Journalist from The Sapota: I thought your show was journalism.
Trump: What? What? Get that guy out of here...get him out. Ya you, get him out. I love babies. By the way - get him out, by the way, it's rigged. Are you from China? Are you from Mexico? India? India is killing us, I mean you would not believe folks. I will get the best deals. He's still here folks - get him out, get him out. In the old days, they would deal with him, so fast, so fast, you would no believe. They would break his neck and cut him into pieces and feed them to the dogs - by the way, dogs, I mean come on, what's with the begging, I mean, 'Hey give me some food, give me some food' such losers. Wikileakes ask them, they have the best scoops on dogs, I mean their emails, their cyber, it's nuclear folks, nuclear is the danger, cyber is the danger. Dogs are up to no good believe me. They have their own vote banks, other dogs, rigged, it's all rigs, oil rigs, take their oil, ISIS, and that's why I'm going to win in November, believe me, I will win and make America dogless again, make America one again, and by one I mean white. This guy is still here - get him out, kill him.
The Sapota journalist is thrown out violently. We can only speculate what happened in the rest of that fateful meeting. But worry not; The Sapota journalist, just before he was grabbed by Mr. Trump's security was quick enough to leave a recorder somewhere in the vast lump of Mr. Goswami's ego. Next week, the recorder will be collected and its contents transcribed. Stay tuned.