Underwear Anxiety

What is underwear anxiety? 
It is the irrational fear that you will run out of underwear. Why is it irrational? Because you have seven thousand pairs of boxers. 
The causes of this disease are unknown. Patients are generally in perfectly good health. Symptoms present suddenly and without any known cause. For example: patient A, or A as we shall refer to him, was standing naked in the shower when suddenly he was hit by the thought: "When I exit the shower and begin getting dressed, what if there is no underwear in my cupboard?" He promptly began to cry and jump up and down shouting, "Jockey, Jockey, Fruit of the Loom." 
He was brought in by his wife. "He has 323 pairs of briefs in his cupboard," she told the doctors. 
Patient B, or Bob, was travelling in the Bahamas when he suddenly collapsed to the floor biting his thumb. Scans from a local hospital revealed no bruising, but the records show how he hopped out of a window yearning for a bra. 
Patient C came into the emergency room presenting symptoms of severe gastritis but in a matter of minutes the gastritis was gone and immediately replaced by a biting desire for panties. At half past 3 she tried to chew through a nurse’s smock and later attempted to construct a panty using a necktie and a bed. 
Patient D was unlucky as medical emergency personnel could not make it in time to stop him from eating a large bag of thongs. Surgery was conducted the next day. When the patient awoke, he asked for the contents of his stomach and wept when he was informed they were incinerated. "Who’s going to cradle my balls now?" he cried. 
It is clear from these cases that underwear anxiety comes about through a fear of dangling balls. In fact, patients were unable to look at a dog’s testicles, avoiding, in the words of one patient ‘that swinging monstrous evil’. 
It is the recommendation of this committee that patients be given Jockey gift cards. Specially made testicle harnesses are available though one may have to give their measurements. 

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