The Status of Strawberries

In previous epochs such as the Jurassic, certain sections of society revered strawberries with a dedication seldom seen in relation to other fruits. These days when we speak of bananas we do not prostrate ourselves on the floor nor even poke our eyes out with sticks in abject inferiority. Times have changed.
We must judge a society by its treatment of fruits and colourful vegetables, for this and only this can be an objective standard that can apply across all of human history and geography. Indeed, the mistreatment of women such as cladding them in black sacks or cutting off their clitoris may vary from society to society, and so can the laws regarding freedom of speech and homosexuality, but the standards regarding apples and oranges have largely remained unchanged and uncontroversial.
But this of course does not even begin to portray the respect and admiration that ancient peoples had for strawberries. Prehistoric rituals point to hundreds of people surrounding a single strawberry and chanting at it and then waiting as it chanted back. The strawberries were given names such as 'Nuni' and 'Phablegas' and in some rare cases 'Mike' and 'Murthy'.
One can only speculate about the misery bestowed upon people who dared to speak against this variety of fruit. Tales have trickled down generations: in 560 BC, a man named George was beaten to death for walking past a strawberry field without hopping up and down on one leg and scratching the other one at the same time.
A much grizzlier tale from the early Holocene epoch: having just passed urine, a man realized it was a strawberry plant and ate himself to death before passing himself around at the dinner table and condemning his son to become an insurance agent.

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