Censor Board Chronicles

Whatever conservatives say about the censor board (or the CBFC, as it's known by the government) they have to admit how much it smells of onions. It is a mystery why this is so. Perhaps it has to do with how many tears they bring to people's eyes. But what really is the function of such a body? Let us probe. 
It would not surprise anyone if a member of the CBFC was found naked in a rice sack, having just eaten all the rice; because in his mind he is above the rest of society and hence can eat all the rice wherever he wants, whenever he wants. What gives him such privilege? Well, he gets to watch all the tasty bits from 'Wolf of Wall Street' while we, the innocent and non-rapey movie goer has to make do with a garbled version of the movie in which the only thing that makes sense is body odour from somewhere nearby.
Why are these adults allowed to watch the same movie that the rest of society need censored?
Ask the average censor board member this question (through the thicket of brambles they generally sit in) and they will point to the extraordinary case of Ambala, 1956 when there was no censor board and as a result movie-going men developed entire left-liberal manifestos on their noses. 
In other words, assuming of course that the board member has by this point removed the small plant that he usually carries in his mouth, it is his opinion that watching a mere scene from a movie will 'corrupt' the average person. But won't this cultural poison corrupt our dignified and intelligent government employee? We can look at this question in two ways: one, from a moving train, and the other by tossing it up in the air like a pizza. There is a third way.
Either the scene corrupts our pure of heart Samaritan (he is a Samaritan in the sense of ridding society of evil 'fucks' and 'shits') and he carries this corruption through his noble life as a great burden, suffering for the sake of a pure and just culture, or he is of superior build quality and it does not affect him in the same way it affects the dirty scum that walk the streets.
This third way makes the assumption of an innocent system, much like a gardener would of his plants. The gardener will not burden his plants with any details of local politics much less with what happened at the Oscars. The plants do not care. It cannot be repeated enough: the plants do not care. In much the same way, the censor board assumes that the average movie goer is an unspeakable idiot, so daft, unbelievably stupid, a complete imbecile, and so weak of constitution that a single 5 second glance at a fictional woman's breasts would have him jumping up and down the isles spraying his semen in all directions and into the popcorn like a senile water sprinkler. Or in some cases the supremely challenged average chap, suppressing his lust and temptation to explode his seed into the face of the naked actress (or the nearest human flesh), will go home after and rape whatever he lays his eyes on: women, men, children, old men and women, boxes of vegetables, and in some cases refrigirators, hence leading to the violent corruption of society as a whole.
It is worthwhile to consider a scenario in which a concerned member of society confronts a member of the censor board. In typical censor board style we must exclude any objects, words, symbols, colours, vegetables or ideas that might pose even a remote threat to the sensibilities of any individual or culture. The list has been prepared in advance stating the things to be banned and the reason:
1. Carrots: Horses are believed to be extremely sensitive to this sort of thing.
2. Acorns: undisclosed reason.
3. Tubers: The Religion of the Vegetamales prohibits the use of any image or idol concerning vegetables that grow on the surface of the Earth. For more information on the Vegetamales please see footnote.
4. Any sentence including the word 'Hose': Officially, the word 'hose' in a rare dialect of Gujarati means 'Slimy, Lying, Demagogic, Son-of-a-bitch'. In the rare case where deletion of the word would result in unmanageable nonsense or incoherent narrative, the filmmaker can use the word provided he or she include the statement 'The Roads in Gujarat are Excellent' at the bottom of the screen in saffron lettering. If possible the theatre management is to release any type of 'holy' scent that pertains to the religion of the Hindus.
5. Thick Towels: It is common knowledge that thick towels offend a large section of the group known as Non-governmental Organizations or NGO's. The reasons for this are complex and murky, delving into obscure territory such as tax rebates and the onset of puberty.
Having considered this list of prohibitions, the concerned member of society, an average sort of chap, meets with this member of the censor board in a government office. The office smells of water jugs and other religious objects. In the lobby there is a man. 
The censor board member asks average Murthy to take a seat, but it isn't clear where as there are no chairs in his office, only many complaints. The concerned average chap, enquires as to this strange absence of seating paraphernalia and is told that the offices of the censor board are more often than not visited by people who have huge, irritating objects up their arse. Thus chairs, sofas, divans, cushions, cots, or in fact anything that when seated upon applies a force upwards majorly irritates and offends these people and since the job of the censor board is to delete anything that offends anyone, they are forced to make do without chairs. 
It is clear to Average Murthy that even the censor board member seated before him has something large and hairy up his arse. He is the chief of the censor board after all and Average Murthy cannot even imagine the kind of irritation that must be occurring inside his rectal canal on a daily basis. 
Murthy is told that the latest action taken by the censor board is to ban all mentions of the word 'sapota' because of a certain blog of this name that has managed to offend almost everyone with something up their arse. Thus, a documentary retracing the remarkable journey by this fruit from Mexico to India in the early 19th century was denied clearance unless the subject was changed to mangos (as mangos are an Indian fruit), and numerous filmmakers reported the letters that make up the word 'sapota' missing from their edited scripts (most often the word 'spot' was redacted). 
A short transcript of their conversation has been made available to the public:
 

Average Murthy: Sir, are you implying that people who see uncensored films undergo a psychological transformation that makes them a danger to society?

Chief of Censor Board: Sir, exactly. People who watch movies in which there are ladies wearing short skirts develop violent psychosis. There are many cases.

AM: What do you mean by violent psychosis? And can you point to one case?

CCB: (points to a case) There sir. In that box there is a little puppet show I have created. It will show you what I mean. The main character goes to see the Western movie, and after seeing the Western whores in their short skirts, goes crazy and never again stands up when the national anthem is playing. If this isn't violent psychosis I don't know what is it.  

AM: And what movie does he watch?

CCB: I'm not aware. Modi.

AM: What?

CCB: What?

AM: What was that at the end? What did you say?

CCB: Nothing. 

And so the conversation goes on. We may pick it up a little later on...

AM: And is there any evidence that children who are exposed to movies with uncensored sex scenes develop problems in adulthood that adversely affect them or their loved ones? 

CCB: Who has said that? They are spoiling the culture! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH...(screams and runs out holding a flag)

The unhelpful nature of members such as the chief does nothing to alleviate the fears of Average Murthy that we live in a society that has basically appointed a group of individuals of varying degrees of stupidity to decide what other people of varying levels of stupidity may or may not watch. This makes no sense to him and he trudges back home. At least he has the internet (for now).

A Great Gandhi